11 October, 2011

Getting ready to get out of the boat

So yes. I am another person who is loving all this dream talk out there. Thanks for sharing, all you who've posted about your dreams and inspired me.

This is a bit of a scary post to write but I definitely don't want to be the person watching someone else get out of the boat while I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm in a boat!

First of all, my dream is to make music. To sing. To write songs and sing them for people so that they are filled with hope and courage once again. Music that heals them and lifts their heads, and helps them to see Him more clearly.

Once someone spoke over me that when I sing, walls will come down. Like when the trumpets were blown and the walls of Jericho fell.

I am certainly far from the most talented singer you will hear. FAR from. But no matter what I do, what other things I pursue, I cannot get away from this dream. I've even asked God to take it away a couple of times!

So what have I done with this dream? Most of my life, I've been too scared to even say it out loud. Although I did lay everything down to follow it. And maybe that was the problem. I followed IT. Not the Dream-Giver.

I forsook University, much to my Dad's horror (I was an A student), and went to a Christian Music College. After that year, I went to a performing arts school for a year. Right steps, I guess. But I was so very and deeply insecure and when no next step landed on my lap, I fell into full time work. By then I was having trouble with my vocal chords due to stress anyway, so couldn't even sing anymore.

A couple of years later, I started singing at church, then lead the team of singers and after a while, started leading the music on Sundays. I thought it was all coming together, differently from how I thought it would, but coming together nevertheless. Until a situation occurred that I'm not going to go into, but all of a sudden it was over. Just like that.

Things were said that were not true. And it felt like someone pulled the carpet out from under me and everything I thought I was, was no longer. Dramatic, I know. But it was seriously hard. I chose to embrace what I could learn from it all, though. And learn I did! In so many ways.

2007 (ish?)
P.s. It was a celebration, I don't normally wear a lei!

I've had a break from singing for a few years while I've had my boys. And it was a good time to heal and regroup. I feel like a different person. More confident and mature. I am not just a singer or a mother. I am a daughter of the King first.

In the time I was not singing, I've tried to say that other things are my passion - like writing. I even studied a Diploma to do with writing. And started a blog to show how much I love writing. Now I do like writing, but it doesn't capture my heart the way singing does.

Last year, that same dream began rising up again. It was time to make a choice to move.

Things still held/hold me back.

Like regret. 'If onlys' are hard to swallow.
If only I'd made differnt choices, studied music, learned an instrument earlier. If only someone had believed in me, I might have had the courage to step out.
I do my best not to dwell there.

As Miriam mentioned, another things that holds me back is 'room'. There are a zillion people more talented, younger and more skilled than me. Who ooze confidence. I am amazed at some of the people you see on X factor and such shows.

Time is another one. 2 young kids that I've chosen to mostly stay at home with. So that leaves, um....night time?
But what about spending time with hubby, the cleaning etc etc.

Fear still rears its head. Not wanting to fail.
Feeling that no one really believes in me anyway.

One thing I am more sure of than anything now is that I am going to try. Nothing might come of it, but then at least I can live without regret knowing that I did all I could.

My plans?

One year ago, I started teaching myself guitar. I now know about 10 chords and can fumble my way through simple songs. It's a lot harder than I thought, and time is limited but I am keeping going.

This year in August, I bought a vocal training CD and have been practising and getting my voice into better shape ever since. Because your voice is a muscle and really gets out of shape when it's not used. I have seen the effects already.

And a biggie for me is that I have made the choice to go back into singing at church once the parenting course we're doing is finished. But I'm going back different.

I've given myself until I'm 40 (approx 9 more years to go) to make an album. Even if no one hears it ( or likes it!) but me and my family.

I love what a pastor at our church said a couple of months back:

"Turn what you love into how you love" Mark Stephenson.
So don't feel bad about what you love or think it's self-indulged or insignificant. Use it well and use it for Him.

He also said
"It is a lack in wisdom to compare ourselves." So true.
So let's not compare! And just go for it!!

For more on this go to Widge's or Miriam's awesome posts


Hootnz said...

Thats a lovely dream... it looks like you have been putting the steps in place, well done, and keep going for it :)

ps: didn't know that you lose it if you don't use it.... makes me feel better about my singing voice now.... must practice more in the car on the way to school pick up. lol

Cat said...

Hold on to your dream Penny xxx

Rebecca said...

wowza...so soooo fantastic!!! I'm buying the album for sure :)

tea said...

What a beautiful dream! I would love to hear you sing! When you make your album, I would love to buy one too!

Lisa said...

go you!

Widge said...

so dying to hear you sing now. I've always wished I could sing (waaay better than I toture my family with, cos I sing ALOT anyway) the same "use it or loose it" goes for drawing.
Go you!
p.s lining up for that album purchase

Sarah of 'Catching the Magic' said...

This is an amazing post and good on you for opening up and putting your dream out there.

Live what you love and whether you make it big or small, you will always make a difference to someone or many, no matter which, the difference will be important.

Best of luck, Sarah xx

Leonie said...

Wow Penny, what a beautiful and inspiring post!
You go for it girl. I have always wanted to be able to sing, especially for God...and I do, but only in the car or at home so I dont torture anyone else..lol
Would love to see you achieve your dream. Will be praying for you xx

Meghan at MNM's said...

Wow...thank you so much for sharing. I love how even though you might have tried to give the dream away, when it is God it just won't go! And I love that in spite of set backs you are still prepared to keep pursuing your dream.

I'd love to hear you sing one day xx

Little Gumnut said...

That's a beautiful dream Penny, so true what you alluded to needing to follow the dream-giver and not the dream and its he who gives us the dream he planted in us. Love it, go for it, can't wait to hear more news of the Great Adventure you're on with God!

BTW, you posted a comment asking what seed money was on the blog a couple of weeks ago, well, I've only just got round to answering it :) here it is:

jacksta said...

great post. In the same boat re singing on the worship team at church. Kids and work have gotten in the way for me too. Its hard to sing with a good heart when you long to be on that stage leading people into his presence.
Its a good thing singing is something you can do anywhere..anytime. Keep a pen and note book handy for those times God places a tune or lyrics in your mouth so you can write them down and capture them. Ready for when the time is right. Get those songs ready.

Gail said...

What a fantastic post Penny! You will do great things - your humbleness and your heart for God combined, you WILL be knocking down walls. I can't wait to hear your CD and to see you and hear you singing again! xx

Penny said...

What a great post, you have really inspired me....I really like what you wrote about being different now, I know that as I have grown older and I think also become a mother I am more confident now too and perhaps like you its time for me to reconsider some of the things that I have left in the past..... thanks Penny (another one, how lovely to meet another Penny!)