This is a bit of a scary post to write but I definitely don't want to be the person watching someone else get out of the boat while I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm in a boat!
First of all, my dream is to make music. To sing. To write songs and sing them for people so that they are filled with hope and courage once again. Music that heals them and lifts their heads, and helps them to see Him more clearly.
Once someone spoke over me that when I sing, walls will come down. Like when the trumpets were blown and the walls of Jericho fell.
I am certainly far from the most talented singer you will hear. FAR from. But no matter what I do, what other things I pursue, I cannot get away from this dream. I've even asked God to take it away a couple of times!
So what have I done with this dream? Most of my life, I've been too scared to even say it out loud. Although I did lay everything down to follow it. And maybe that was the problem. I followed IT. Not the Dream-Giver.
I forsook University, much to my Dad's horror (I was an A student), and went to a Christian Music College. After that year, I went to a performing arts school for a year. Right steps, I guess. But I was so very and deeply insecure and when no next step landed on my lap, I fell into full time work. By then I was having trouble with my vocal chords due to stress anyway, so couldn't even sing anymore.
A couple of years later, I started singing at church, then lead the team of singers and after a while, started leading the music on Sundays. I thought it was all coming together, differently from how I thought it would, but coming together nevertheless. Until a situation occurred that I'm not going to go into, but all of a sudden it was over. Just like that.
Things were said that were not true. And it felt like someone pulled the carpet out from under me and everything I thought I was, was no longer. Dramatic, I know. But it was seriously hard. I chose to embrace what I could learn from it all, though. And learn I did! In so many ways.
|2007 (ish?) |
P.s. It was a celebration, I don't normally wear a lei!
I've had a break from singing for a few years while I've had my boys. And it was a good time to heal and regroup. I feel like a different person. More confident and mature. I am not just a singer or a mother. I am a daughter of the King first.
In the time I was not singing, I've tried to say that other things are my passion - like writing. I even studied a Diploma to do with writing. And started a blog to show how much I love writing. Now I do like writing, but it doesn't capture my heart the way singing does.
Last year, that same dream began rising up again. It was time to make a choice to move.
Things still held/hold me back.
Like regret. 'If onlys' are hard to swallow.
If only I'd made differnt choices, studied music, learned an instrument earlier. If only someone had believed in me, I might have had the courage to step out.
I do my best not to dwell there.
As Miriam mentioned, another things that holds me back is 'room'. There are a zillion people more talented, younger and more skilled than me. Who ooze confidence. I am amazed at some of the people you see on X factor and such shows.
Time is another one. 2 young kids that I've chosen to mostly stay at home with. So that leaves, um....night time?
But what about spending time with hubby, the cleaning etc etc.
Fear still rears its head. Not wanting to fail.
Feeling that no one really believes in me anyway.
One thing I am more sure of than anything now is that I am going to try. Nothing might come of it, but then at least I can live without regret knowing that I did all I could.
One year ago, I started teaching myself guitar. I now know about 10 chords and can fumble my way through simple songs. It's a lot harder than I thought, and time is limited but I am keeping going.
This year in August, I bought a vocal training CD and have been practising and getting my voice into better shape ever since. Because your voice is a muscle and really gets out of shape when it's not used. I have seen the effects already.
And a biggie for me is that I have made the choice to go back into singing at church once the parenting course we're doing is finished. But I'm going back different.
I've given myself until I'm 40 (approx 9 more years to go) to make an album. Even if no one hears it ( or likes it!) but me and my family.
I love what a pastor at our church said a couple of months back:
"Turn what you love into how you love" Mark Stephenson.
So don't feel bad about what you love or think it's self-indulged or insignificant. Use it well and use it for Him.
He also said
"It is a lack in wisdom to compare ourselves." So true.
So let's not compare! And just go for it!!
For more on this go to Widge's or Miriam's awesome posts